How To Decipher Your Orihime
by Baxter54132
Summary: Part of the "How To..." Series. Do you have difficulties with a perplexing, puzzling, red headed wily girl? Is her name Orihime? If so, this book will help you figure out your troubles. UlquixHime One-shot


Its been quite some time since I've written anything, but a pm from Dark-Heika has set me on track. I really appreciate the ideas and the focus boost.

This is officially the 10th story in the how to series. We've come a long way since How To Train Your Ichigo, and honestly when I wrote the first one, I didn't know it would grow into such a huge thing. Thanks for everyone for all of your time and support.

I'm sorry that this got delayed slightly, I was wrapped up in National Novel Writing Month (I wrote a Full Metal Alchemist fic) and this got pushed onto a back burner.

Just so you all know, I was going to more serious on this one, I think Ulqui would be over the top serious, and that makes it kind of funny.

Disclaimer: Like the 9 times before this one, I do not own Bleach, it belongs to Tite Kubo.

Enjoy!

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**Introduction:**

If you are reading this, welcome. I can imagine you must be having some difficulties, or you would not be here. An Orihime can be the cause of many problems, and this book will discuss solving them. You should not let your Orihime know that you are reading this book, or the practices inside will not be successful. First, you need to check that you indeed have an Orihime. Chapter one will help you with this.

**Chapter 1: Identifying Your Orihime:**

There are very few Orihime's in the universe. Each one has a few distinct features that every Orihime will have. Appearance wise, an Orihime is 5 foot 2 inches. She has orange hair that is just past shoulder length. Her feet are size 5, but she wears 5 and a half so her feet can breathe. She sometimes wears her school uniform for fun, but more recently may be seen in an arrancar outfit. Her eyes are very large and a stunning grey. When an Orihime becomes nervous, she bites her top lip ever so slightly with her teeth and her eyes may dash back and forth rapidly as she tries to find a way out of her situation. If you watch an Orihime while she sleeps at night, you will notice she tosses and turns like she's fighting hollows in her sleep, and if you try to wake her she latches onto your arm, sometimes not letting go for hours. You don't mind of course, since she isn't causing any harm…

Anyways, personality wise, An Orihime is like no one else in Hueco Mundo. She is energetic and bubbly. An Orihime never stops talking, once you think she has run out of things to say she proves you wrong, maybe by telling you about another crazy recipe she has tried to make back home. An Orihime wears every emotion on her sleeve. If she is happy, it is obvious. If she is upset, it is obvious. She can't hide anything from anyone; even Grimmjow can read her like a book.

If your Orihime has all of the traits and physical features, then she in fact is an Orihime. If not, then the rest of the book won't be much help to you, since it is only for dealing with an Orihime.

**Chapter 2: How to Know if Your Orihime is Afraid of You:**

Your Orihime isn't like you. You are an arrancar, but your Orihime is human. Unlike you, she has a heart, and therefore, many complicated feelings. If anything, your Orihime has more complicated feelings than the ordinary person, especially if you compare her to Ichigo Kurosaki. The best way to find out if your Orihime is afraid of you is by asking. Of course, your Orihime may lie to you, in which case you may wish to recruit help. Step 1: Recruit Gin Ichimaru to your cause. Tell him you know his secret, which is probably a bluff, but he will believe you anyway and cooperate. Step 2: Have Gin visit Orihime right after meal time, that is when she is happiest, and have him start small talk and then nonchalantly ask her the question. Step 3: Get the results from Gin and compare them to your original results. If they are the same, then your results are conclusive, if not, you need repeat the process with someone else. This could be anybody excluding Grimmjow and Nnoitra.

**Chapter 3: What to do if Your Orihime is Afraid of You:**

First off, don't panic, at one point, every Orihime is afraid of something. Chances are you are just a misunderstanding with her, and it's not actual fear. When you sent Gin to talk to your Orihime, he probably found out that Orihime said she's not afraid of you. Chances are, this is a lie. There are a few things you can do. One would be to avoid your Orihime until a certain carrot top rescues her, but I do not recommend this. A better plan would be to integrate yourself into her schedule. Sit with her at meal time, take her outside for a walk every once in a while, bring her those books she's been asking for. If she sees that you have a more human side, her fear will ebb. If her fear persists, my last suggestion would be to have her spend a few hours with Grimmjow. If she sees how frightening he is, you will seem like a soft kitten in her perspective. However, if you leave her with Grimmjow for too long, he might kill her, so some supervision may be necessary.

**Chapter 4: How to Keep Your Orihime out of Harm's Way:**

Since you are living in Hueco Mundo, everyone is a danger, and everyone is a threat. Some arrancar may have ill feelings towards your Orihime. An example of this is Loly and Menoly. Even if you don't know it, they are bitter towards your Orihime. You need to take the proper precautions to protect her. There are also other threats, like from evil strawberries. I recommend you do a few things to guarantee your Orihime's safety. First, install some security camera's in her room, but of course don't look at them all the time, that's a little overboard. Second, make sure to visit her daily and make sure everything is all right. Third, get permission from Aizen so you are the sole caretaker of Orihime so dangerous espada like Grimmjow don't have easy access to her. If you do all this, you can sleep a little better at night knowing your Orihime is safe.

**Chapter 5: How to Capture Your Orihime's Attention:**

Your Orihime has a short attention span, and is easily pulled into a new topic of conversation. The best way to get your Orihime's attention is to make her angry. You can do this easily, since she is very emotional. Merely mention the most recent defeat of one of her friends, and her focus will snap to you and not shift away. This may be slightly cynical, but it works.

**Chapter 6: How to get Your Orihime out of Your Head:**

Not possible

**Conclusion:**

Now that you have finished reading this book, hopefully you understand your Orihime much better than before. If so, this book has done its job. If you are still having trouble, remember, never give up. Don't stop trying to work on your relationship with your Orihime, even if it seems hopeless. Even in the face of death, keep trying, one day, you will succeed.

-Ulquiorra Cifer

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That's it! After I post this I'll have 200,000 words complied on !

Again, this is more serious, so maybe not as funny as I wanted…

Here is the link for the community if you'd rather not file through my profile page but want to read the other part of the series.

www. fanfiction community /How_To_ Series_Collection /75354/

Just take out the spaces.

Please let me know what you think! Leave a review!


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